Blah

Warning: this post may be fragmented as that is very much how I feel today.

Today is the second day in a row that I have woken up exhausted. I know that I am likely to take a nap sometime soon — for an hour or more. I shouldn’t need this much sleep. I am sleeping at night. I also feel kinda zombie-ish again today. Just not totally with myself, as strange as that may sound. It is a very difficult space to be in as it makes it hard to focus, and to really do anything. I don’t like feeling this way at all.

I have to say, I have come a long way though. I started on medicine for my depression back in October. I am a very different person than I was then. I am not angry all the time, I don’t explode constantly, I am putting myself out there and doing things I never would have done before. My husband is a great help as he is honest about my behavior and lets me know if the meds are not working. He complimented me this morning on how impressed he has been that I have been going out and doing things without him. This is something I NEVER would have done before. I am enjoying it too — who knew?!

I know that in order to continue healing I need to put on my big girl panties, stop making excuses, and start doing what I know will help me. One of those things is food. Food is such a struggle for me and really always has been. I love to eat, and I really love to eat crap. I have been doing a lot of that lately, and I know that it does not help me at all in my fight against the depression. If anything, the things I have been eating are working against my meds. The two biggest culprits that I struggle with the most are sugar and gluten. I eat a lot of both and they both make me feel like complete and utter crap! I have lived without them both and when I have succeeded in that, those were the times I felt the best. I was much more with it, more focused, had more energy, and was sick/had headaches/migraines less often.

That said, I am putting this out there for all to see. As of today, I am going to work at being as sugar free/gluten free as humanly possible. I will allow myself the occasional treat as I also know that deprivation does me no good. I am doing a week of phase one on South Beach. I have followed this plan before, and I always have tremendous success on it. This will help me purge the evil sugar from my body. Once I do that, it is easier for me to stay away from it. This isn’t about weight at this point in my life. It is about being a better me, a healthier me, one who is more present in my everyday life and is able to fully move past the depression.

I started the day out right already and had a nice, nutritious broccoli omelette. Never mind the fact that as I sat down to write this, the omelette slid off the plate and landed between my side and the arm of the couch! The fact that I didn’t get all shades of pissed off over that is definitely proof that I have come a long way. The old me would have totally blown a head gasket. I just calmly cleaned it up, was able to salvage most of it, laughed a little and moved on with my morning.

Knitting has already been a big help too. I have actually noticed that on days like this, when I feel like I have medicine head from hell, if I knit, it does help me focus a bit more and bring me back to myself a little. I am looking forward to the long term benefits of this as time goes on.

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4 Comments

  1. 79sparrows said,

    June 10, 2009 at 10:40 am

    awesome post.
    Have been there myself…and actually am there…but i’ve been pigging out on nachos late at night, wtf! I too would like to be healthier, and have been giving it much thought the past several days.
    starting the work day feeling like shit is really not working.

  2. Harriet said,

    June 10, 2009 at 10:57 am

    If you want a South Beach buddy, I’m all yours. You know I struggle with gluten and sugar issues. I need to get through this weekend, but after that, I’m down with you.

  3. June 10, 2009 at 11:05 am

    I’ve made a few diet changes myself and they are not fun. I pretty much end up eating the same stuff all the time while at work. If I leave myself a choice as to what to eat, I’ll choose wrong much too often. OTOH, I don’t know if I could do without my bagel w/ cream cheese breakfast twice a week. *crosses fingers* Good Luck!

  4. Tina M. said,

    June 10, 2009 at 1:35 pm

    My inability to master food is my most difficult struggle at this point, even more so than the clinical depression. I admire you for going for it, I know how hard it is! You should take Harriet up on her offer, she’s got a good head for this stuff.

    My head, on the other hand, makes me cry like a little girl and become quite evil when I try to restrict.


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